One Too Many Potatoes: June 2016

As I wrote in my first scientific review back in 2008, the “Gutter Blaster” is simply a 3 foot length of aluminum tubing that has a very, very small nozzle at one end and a hose attachment at the other. It is curved at the nozzle end so that you can reach “up” and blast away “down” into the gutter and remove unwanted debris such as leaves, pine needles, baby ducklings and baby alligators. And the tiny jet-action nozzle is easily turnable so you can direct the high speed jet spray to the left, or to the right, or away from you (preferable) or directly toward your face (not preferable).

It probably weighs no more than 12 ounces and when I originally bought it the cost was $3.00.

Now lest you think you can’t get much entertainment these days for three one dollar bills…well, I have news for you!

Once it is hooked up to a hose, for those 300 pennies you get a laser beam-like jet spray of water (a weapon of grass destruction) that can toss you and your arm into your neighbor’s yard so quick you will hardly have time to scream JUMPING BANANA LIZARDS BATMAN DID YOU SEE THAT!!!

Especially if you are like me and don't follow the directions. My son-in-law reminds me from time to time that directions are (to quote Gus), "Just another man's opinion."

The Gutter Blaster’s original instructions contained this warning (and I am not making this up): under the section called “SAFETY AND MAINTENANCE,” it read: “DO NOT POINT THE NOZZLE TOWARD ANY LIVING CREATURE!”

I can see why. I wonder if the Army knows about this thing. They’ve got lasers that can fry walleyes from 20,000 miles up in space, but do they know about this?

(Just a note: I read on the internet that the reason the Russians never beat us to the moon is that the first stage of their moon rocket was powered by 5,213 military grade gutter blasters. And when the rocket began to lift off, all the teenagers in Moscow flushed the toilets AT THE SAME TIME which caused the water pressure to drop precipitously and the rocket simply dropped out of the sky.)

The directions also explicitly state (and again…I am not making this up), “YOU CAN USE YOUR GUTTER BLASTER TO WATER YOUR HANGING PLANTS.” Are you kidding me? I can see it now – weekend warriors all across the fruited plains dutifully watering their wives' stunningly beautiful hanging plants; and turning them into…salad!

The only thing I remember about “Gutter Blaster 2008” is that the first time I used it I turned it on full blast (as in all at once) and it wasn’t pretty.

After retrieving my arm from the neighbor’s yard to the west and the gutter blaster from the neighbor’s yard to the east…well that’s when I read the directions.

The directions clearly stated (and I am not making this up either), “DON’T TURN THE WATER LINE ON TO FULL PRESSURE THE FIRST TIME YOU USE YOUR GUTTER BLASTER!” I blame my son-in-law for causing me such horror and pain.

So during my vacation this year (and with seven more years of wisdom under my belt), I forgot everything I had learned (and the pain I had experienced) and did almost the same thing.

I held it with one arm...over my head…while holding onto the ladder two stories up…and I turned it on full blast (as in all at once).

What follows is a compilation of eye witness accounts from the actual police blotter, “Mr. Vander Ark was found in a heap 369 feet from his house His new gutters were GONE! Other than an innocent looking piece of aluminum tubing on the end of his hose, no other source could be found to cause such a mystifying accident. One neighbor stated in utter amazement, “I saw the neighbor, you know, the bald guy with the white beard who looks a lot like Papa Smurf only not as blue…well he like turned on the hose and WHOOSH! I mean I have never seen anyone fly up so fast and so high in all my life! In just seconds he was a crumpled heap on the lawn on the OTHER SIDE OF 8^TH STREET!” Another neighbor stated in sworn testimony, “I am positive that his beard was NOT white before he turned on the hose but that upon re-entering the earth’s atmosphere his beard caught fire and THAT’S how his beard turned white! “ Another eyewitness account claimed, “When I saw him turn that thing on I RAN FOR COVER! Especially when it began to rain little ducklings and alligators!”

So to all of my fellow home beautifiers and weekend renovation warriors -- be careful out there! Something that only costs about $3.00 at your local home improvement store can provide hours of fun and fascination! Especially if you don’t read the instructions. :>)

Dan Vander Ark 2016