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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Man Versus Plumbing (A Leak of Their Own)

After much procrastination, last year I finally decided to remodel the downstairs bathroom.  It had been 15 years since we had originally installed a second bath and had sort of done it on the cheap so it was in need of more than just a little TLC.  I sort of like remodeling and am halfway good at it, but to be honest with you, plumbing is my downfall. 
 
So I penciled in Wednesday as the prime plumbing day during remodel week (remodel week actually turned into remodel 26 weeks). 

I asked a bunch of friends to fast and pray for me for that day.
 
I bought all of the PEX pipe (I’ll explain that in a minute) and all the little PEX fittings and took out a loan and rented the PEX crimping tool. 

I knew exactly where I wanted to tie the new PEX line into the old cast iron line – all I had to do was remove two innocent looking PVC fittings I had installed fifteen years earlier.  Shouldn’t be much of a problem at all.

I turned off the water and drained the lines.  I then very gingerly placed the wrench on the PVC fitting and proceeded with the utmost care and gentlest of force to begin to turn the fitting.  
 
Suddenly (and without any warning) I heard a sickening “snap.”

My knees buckled and my face turned pale as I beheld half of the fitting in the wrench and the threaded part still in the old cast iron pipe.

I then did what any self respecting man’s man would do…
 
I curled up into the fetal position and called my plumber.

BILL!!!!!   ITS DAN!!!!  HELP!!!!!

Miraculously, Bill the plumber was there within an hour.  (I know this is so incredible to believe but its TRUE!)

He then paused and looked at me and said, “Are you crying?”

I immediately tried to turn away. “No I am not crying.”

Again, he sternly looked at me and asked more forcefully, “Are you crying?”

“No!” I insisted, “I am not crying!”

He got right in my space and hollered in drill sergeant fashion, “There’s no crying in Plumbing!” 

It was then that I remembered that classic Tom Hanks movie, “A Leak of Their Own.”   

With a little torch Bill removed the broken fitting in a jiffy.  That little piece of now-melted-plastic cost me $120.00. 

He then gave me a “Knute Rockne Win-One-for-the-Plumber” PEX pep talk. I pulled myself together, wiped away the tears and began to feel a whole lot better.

My aversion (and horror) to plumbing began several years earlier when we remodeled our kitchen.  At one point I had to replace just a teeny tiny fitting on an old cast iron water pipe.  The full story is out here somewhere on this blog.

Suffice it to say that by that evening I had one broken water line and gallons of brown icky water shooting up to the kitchen ceiling and flowing back down into the basement.

So ever since then, when someone asks me, “Hey are you good at Plumbing?” I begin to twitch and stammer and I walk away mumbling, “Plumbing…me no good at it….shooting water….lots of pain…Plumbing…me no good at it...shooting water…lots of pain.”

But PEX is cool stuff – its like it was made with me in mind!   It’s a type of very bendable plastic piping that doesn’t require the use of any soldering or torches or glue or atomic explosions or shooting water or crying. 

PEX is an acronym for Polyunsaturated Esoteric Xylophones – I think I have that right anyway.

The piping itself isn’t too expensive – you can buy it in giant rolls.  And it involves crimping little crimp rings onto the end of the pipe once you put the fitting in. 

But because its so easy for the do-it-yourselfer to use and the material isn’t that pricey, plumbers have conspired together to sell or rent the crimping tool at exorbitant prices!  

This actual conversation was overheard at a recent plumber’s convention:

“Hey Fred our plumbing business has fallen off dramatically since the advent of PEX so lets buy up all the crimping tools in the whole world and rent them for $500.00 per hour!” 

“Hey Norm, that’s a great idea!”

(You can use your wife’s 1980’s Daryl-Hannah-Splash hair crimper but I’ve found that you can only use it once because the sledge hammer that's used to "assist" renders the hair crimper like totally wasted.)

Anyway, I bought a 1000 foot roll of the stuff, 600 crimp rings, 413 brass T joints, 289 straight couplers, 127 shut off valves and a bunch of other stuff.

The actual plumbing run was only about 25 feet, but I wanted to be prepared for any event that anyone could possibly even conjure up in their wildest nightmare scenarios. 

I tied the PEX into the existing line that was fixed by plumber Bill, and then at every 5 foot interval, I put in a shutoff valve. I wasn’t taking any chances!  My basement looks like the boiler room on the Titanic.     

Anyway, the basic remodel job was done in about 6 months.  During that time (and because it took so long to turn back on all of those shut off valves) we used this for our temporary facilities :>)

 
“May your crimps never leak and may your PEX never break” (Confucius, 347 BC)

 

 

 

Twas The Night Before the Big Border Battle

(Author’s Note: We are probably gonna get slaughtered but my football psychotherapist says that writing out my feelings helps me to deal with the pain of being a lifelong Viking fan J)

Twas the night before the Border Battle, when all through the land
The Packerz were trembling and were fearful to stand
Their stockings were hung from their lockers with care
In hopes they’d be stuffed with some of Clay Matthews hair

The Cheeseheads were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of Jared Allen frightened their heads
With McCarthy in his kerchief and Rodgers in his cap
They were just getting ready for yet another sack

When out on the field there arose such a clatter
The fans outloud wondered “Now WHAT is the matter?!?”
Away to the TV they flew like a flash
Again and again their teeth they did gnash

The lights from Lambeau on the grid-iron below
Gave that green team the look of Elmo
When what to their watering eyes there appeared,
A quarterback named Rodgers…without his cool beard!

With his tiny little linemen who are not quite so quick
He knew in a moment he’d be feelin’ right sick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
(That line’s from the original poem -- I have no clue what it means but it just sounds so cool!)
And he whistled and shouted and screamed out some names

Hey Jordy! Hey Woodsen! Hey Prancer and Vixen!
The Vikings are coming!  Just look at them blitzing!
To the top of the huddle, to the top of the wall!
I was gonna do a Lambeau Leap, but Kevin Williams has my football!

Their playbook before the wild hurricane flies
They met with an obstacle of ginormous size!
So like a big smurf AJ Hawk  turned to blue
While their book full of plays seemed just like cuckoo!

And then in a twinkling I heard this big POOF!
Mason Crosby’s big kick had gone up on the roof!
As I looked at the band and was turning around
Their kicker was crying, he just sat their spellbound!

The Pack dressed in fur from their head to their foot
Even their stockings had heating input
While on the sidelines old Stone Face was stalwart
You see, Bud Grant wore only a short sleeve T-shirt

Their cheerleaders dressed in what looked like so scary
Their cheeks were like roses, yet their noses so hairy!
Their troll little mouths all drawn up like bows
Their faces had suffered what looked like deathblows!

While McCarthy was gritting his pearly white teeth
And smoke out his ears circled his head like a wreath
He had a grim face, his once vaunted army
Now shook like a leaf or a bowl full of jelly!

All chubby and plump their players like elves
And I laughed when I saw them, I saw all themselves
(Not much rhymes with elves, if you can think of something better, well hey, then write your own poem J)
With a wondering eye and a thought in my head
I suddenly realized I had nothing to dread!

Rodgers spoke not a word but went straight to his work

He passed but he fell, then he turned with a jerk
He suddenly realized his team was all frozen
I guess we can’t handle this Viking bulldozin'!

So He began to crochet, told his team to eat bagels
As he pondered the Ponder, “Wow their QB has muscles!”
But I heard ARodg exclaim as he pulled off his earrings,
“What a miserable day, I hate playing the Vikings!”

.........................................................NOT

Copyright 2012 Dan Vander Ark, the NFL, Elmo, Prancer and Vixen, the Smurfs, ARodg's non-existent beard and Clay Matthews' hair 
All rights reserved blah blah blah J

 
 

The Original “Night Before Christmas”
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

 
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
 

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

 

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.


His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

 









The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. 


He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;


He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
(And Jesus is the Reason for the Season!)