Twas The Night Before the Big Border Battle

(Author’s Note: We are probably gonna get slaughtered but my football psychotherapist says that writing out my feelings helps me to deal with the pain of being a lifelong Viking fan J)

Twas the night before the Border Battle, when all through the land

The Packerz were trembling and were fearful to stand
Their stockings were hung from their lockers with care
In hopes they’d be stuffed with some of Clay Matthews hair

The Cheeseheads were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Jared Allen frightened their heads
With McCarthy in his kerchief and Rodgers in his cap
They were just getting ready for yet another sack

When out on the field there arose such a clatter

The fans outloud wondered “Now WHAT is the matter?!?”
Away to the TV they flew like a flash
Again and again their teeth they did gnash

The lights from Lambeau on the grid-iron below

Gave that green team the look of Elmo
When what to their watering eyes there appeared,
A quarterback named Rodgers…without his cool beard!

With his tiny little linemen who are not quite so quick

He knew in a moment he’d be feelin’ right sick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
(That line’s from the original poem -- I have no clue what it means but it just sounds so cool!)
And he whistled and shouted and screamed out some names

Hey Jordy! Hey Woodsen! Hey Prancer and Vixen!

The Vikings are coming!  Just look at them blitzing!
To the top of the huddle, to the top of the wall!
I was gonna do a Lambeau Leap, but Kevin Williams has my football!

Their playbook before the wild hurricane flies

They met with an obstacle of ginormous size!
So like a big smurf AJ Hawk  turned to blue
While their book full of plays seemed just like cuckoo!

And then in a twinkling I heard this big POOF!

Mason Crosby’s big kick had gone up on the roof!
As I looked at the band and was turning around
Their kicker was crying, he just sat their spellbound!

The Pack dressed in fur from their head to their foot

Even their stockings had heating input
While on the sidelines old Stone Face was stalwart
You see, Bud Grant wore only a short sleeve T-shirt

Their cheerleaders dressed in what looked like so scary

Their cheeks were like roses, yet their noses so hairy!
Their troll little mouths all drawn up like bows
Their faces had suffered what looked like deathblows!

While McCarthy was gritting his pearly white teeth

And smoke out his ears circled his head like a wreath
He had a grim face, his once vaunted army
Now shook like a leaf or a bowl full of jelly!

All chubby and plump their players like elves

And I laughed when I saw them, I saw all themselves
(Not much rhymes with elves, if you can think of something better, well hey, then write your own poem J)
With a wondering eye and a thought in my head
I suddenly realized I had nothing to dread!

Rodgers spoke not a word but went straight to his work
He passed but he fell, then he turned with a jerk
He suddenly realized his team was all frozen
I guess we can’t handle this Viking bulldozin'!

So He began to crochet, told his team to eat bagels

As he pondered the Ponder, “Wow their QB has muscles!”
But I heard ARodg exclaim as he pulled off his earrings,
“What a miserable day, I hate playing the Vikings!”

.........................................................NOT

Copyright 2012 Dan Vander Ark, the NFL, Elmo, Prancer and Vixen, the Smurfs, ARodg's non-existent beard and Clay Matthews' hair 

All rights reserved blah blah blah J

 

 

The Original “Night Before Christmas”

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

 

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
 

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

 

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
(And Jesus is the Reason for the Season!)