The Universe Must Be Spinning Backwards or Something: Thoughts About the Possible Unretirement of a Certain NFL Quarterback

I emailed a few friends the other day, “The universe must be spinning backwards or something.” In the email I included a picture from ESPN that explained what I was talking about. It involved a certain retired hall-of-famer quarterback named Bert Favrey and his possible unretirement from his formerly retired unretirement. I think I said that right. I am a Minnesota Viking fan. I bleed purple. I have knitted Viking socks hanging in my cubicle and a foam Viking brick on top of my monitor at work to prove it. And to think that the dreaded Bert Favrey might actually be wearing purple and gold was just….well it was like totally bizzaro! One of my cheesehead friends named Mot replied to my email thusly, “Randy Moss almost became a Packer a few years ago ... the heroes go to villains and the villains to heroes ... its like watching "wrastling". We hate Moss ... then he puts on green & gold and we love him. You hate Favre ... he puts on purple and you love him. Like Seinfeld says, ‘We're rooting for laundry.’” Have a great day. Mot (Because my friend wanted to remain unanimous, I spelled his name backwards). “We’re rooting for laundry.” I love that line! Basically, everyone wants to be a winner. But the problem is the Vikings haven’t won the big one since the 11th century where they reigned supreme for three centuries in Northern European Football. Their playoff string began dramatically in England on June 8, 793 when the Norsemen sacked the entire island of Lindisfarne and won their first title. And they were meaner than Mean Joe Greene. A lot meaner – Vikings were portrayed as “bloodthirsty, uncivilized barbarians.” (Is there such a thing as a civilized barbarian?) The Oakland Raiders became the uncivilized barbarians of the 20th century however when they refused to wear ties and sport coats and had long hair and beards. But somewhere along the line public perceptions of the Vikings as “bloodthirsty, uncivilized barbarians” changed. By the 1900’s they became simply known as “thirsty uncivilized barbarians.” And according to historians the cultural rehabilitation of the Norsemen was completed when a winged-helmeted Viking figurine became a radiator cap on a new car in Britain. I am NOT making this up! A radiator cap marked the cultural rehabilitation of the Vikings? No wonder we’re zippo in the Big Game. And just a little historical trivia here. Leif Eriksson, son of Erik the Red and Thjodhild the Blonde, was the second most famous Viking ever. The most famous Viking ever? Why that would be Joseph RAGNAR Juranitch, mascot of the Minnesota Vikings, who holds the world record for shaving his beard WITH AN AXE in less than 9 minutes! Take that you Cheeseheads. Leif Eriksson later became known as “Leif the Lucky” for his daring exploits as an explorer. Fran Tarkenton on the other hand became known as “No Tears Tark” for his Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo commercials. I for one am going to appeal to the Commish Roger Goodell to have our 3 century reign recognized in some format. Perhaps they could give us the Leif Eriksson Trophy or something. I know it doesn’t have quite the ring of the coveted Lombardi Trophy. But I personally think it should have its own room at the Hall of Fame in Canton. The very least that should be done is to give it a place next to the Kensington Rhunestone or Ole the Viking in Alexandria, Minnesota. (A little more historical trivia: there was a line on the Rhunestone that had never been translated until just a couple of years ago. Once translated, it read simply: "Leif Eriksson Bowl XXXVII -- Vikings 42, Saxons 0.”) Back to the email replies. Another friend replied with just this, “At this point, Minnesota can have him!” Seven words that sum up an ardent Packer fan’s feelings about perhaps the greatest gunslinger to ever grace the gridiron. Galloping gonzo gorillas gramma! And another emailed this, “He so needs to get over himself…” Ok, Ok, I totally agree. But if he leads us to a Super Bowl victory, is it ok if he gets over himself next year? And I think Bert will be 40 years old come October of ‘09. Forty. That compares to 97 years old in any other occupation, including kangaroo boxing and cake baking. I honestly don’t have a clue how he would do, but it would be pretty neat seeing him under center AGAINST those no-good-lousy-rotten-Cheeseheads (whom I dearly love and admire). The Vikings at Lambeau and Bert Favrey is our quarterback?!?!?! That’s like Rommel commanding Patton’s army in Germany or something. Wow, would that game get the ratings! And what about the game at the dome? It’s October 5th, 2009. And it’s a MONDAY NIGHT GAME! The public address announcer comes on -- his words echoing throughout the stadium: And Now now now now Number number number number Four four four four Bert Bert Bert Bert Favrey Favrey Favrey Favrey The fans at the dome just go absolutely nuts! YEAH! BOOYA! WHOLETTHEDOGSOUT!!! WE LOVE YOU BERT! NUMBER FOUR FOREVER! Tears stream down the faces of hardened and bitter 0-4 Viking fans everywhere you look. Super Bowls IV, VIII, IX and XI become distant memories. Visions of sugarplums dance in their heads! But then all of a sudden the cheers begin to fade. The dome becomes so silent you could almost hear another Tarvaris Jackson pass hit the turf far short of its intended mark. The crowd looks toward the tunnel in anguished anticipation. But all you hear is a methodical and rusty “Screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek, screeek..” Hope fades to horror. Yep…it’s Number Four all right. Pushing a walker. ******************************************************************************** Hold It! Newsflash! May 2009. Reports say that Bert will for now remain retired. Translation: “I would like to avoid those icky sticky hot days in training camp in Mankato…is it ok if I start like say the day before the regular season begins?” Dan Vander Ark Copyright 2009 All Rights Reserved  onetoomanypotatoes.blogspot.com

Hand Dryer Technology

According to various scientific experiments, numerous government studies, and my mom, washing your hands when you use the restroom is important. Very important. In fact it is so important that there are now a multitude of state regulations that mandate that employees must wash their hands before they return to work. I am guessing that somewhere along the line a generation grew up that didn’t have moms like mine; thus it fell to the government to enact the CINTG (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness) Statute. Back in the Middle Ages people dried their hands on weathered buffalo skins and/or papyrus mats. But those always seemed to jam up the dispensers. So dispensers were dispensed with until a better way to dry your hands was invented. Cloth or linen towel dispensers were invented somewhere about the same time that cars and roads were concocted and people needed to stop and “use the facilities” (it proved too difficult to tow the family outhouse). So when you went into the gas station and used the bathroom you just pulled down on the towel until you came to a clean spot and then wiped your hands. I think the giant towel was unfortunately on a loop, so after about a day or so it was pretty dirty looking. Eventually you just looked for a little white spot between the grease and other crud to dry your hands. (Just a little regional trivia here: in North Dakota I had a friend that would say “I am going to see a man about a horse” when nature called.) Next on the dry-your-hands-at-the-gas-station-timeline were paper towel dispensers. Brown paper towels made out of recycled newspaper, algae and duck feathers. But more often than not the paper towel dispensers were jammed so full that all you were able to get out were ripped little shreds of a paper towel. You then proceeded to dry little itsy bitsy portions of your hands until you were done (or the gas station closed, whichever came first). Also somewhere along this dispenser timeline were the type with cranks, but we don’t have time in this doctoral thesis to discuss those contraptions. Next came wall mounted blow dryers. Those were pretty good – you weren’t wiping your hands on relooped greasy rags or tiny flecks of brown paper anymore. Your hands were blasted with hot air for about 30 seconds or until you just decided to wipe them on your pants. I usually let the blast go for about 10 seconds – and then wiped them on my pants. However, there was one wall-mounted blow dryer in a store we went into recently that blew so violently you wondered if your skin would peel off. I am not making this up. It reminded me of how the faces of Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase looked after being spun in that astronaut centrifuge thing in the movie “Spies Like Us.” The latest trend in bathroom technology is toward infrared sensor towel dispensers. They seem to work pretty well – except when you actually need a towel. I have been standing by the sink several feet away from the dispenser when it has mysteriously dispensed a towel all by itself! Its spooky – those paranormal ghost hunters on one of those cable TV channels should do some investigating. I bet if they did some audio recording at night in one of those infrared sensor equipped bathrooms and then played the recording backwards, you would hear this, “!sgnikiV atosenniM eht rof yalp lliw yervaF treB.” But there is one thing you really need to be aware of with those infrared sensor dispensers. And that is simply this: Where does the motion need to be at?” On most, the sensor is on the front, so you just wave your hand a little and out comes a towel. But at the church we have just begun visiting I couldn’t get the dispenser to dispense and I was feeling a little embarrassed. I waved my hands up and down – nothing happened. I then waved them sideways – but still no towel. Was I supposed to do jumping jacks? I backed up and waited for the restroom poltergeist to have at it. But still nothing. I was just about ready to dry them on my pants when I decided at the last moment to slowly wave my hand underneath the front of the dispenser. To my delight I heard the familiar JSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSZZZSHSDSSHSHSZZATTTT – and out came a towel! I was giddy that I didn’t have to do jumping jacks! Now if you could just get out of there without having to touch that germ infested door. Dan Vander Ark Copyright 2009 All Rights Reserved 

From Boils to Blessings…What A Difference a Year Makes

The man was just a repulsive wreck of humanity. His friends had heard about his illness but when they came to visit him he was so disfigured from his disease that they didn’t recognize him. A few months prior to his hospitalization, all of his children had died in a freak accident and all of his businesses had collapsed under peculiar circumstances. One moment he was enjoying the laughter of his sons and daughters, the next he was overwhelmed with grief from the sight of his children’s coffins. One moment he was dreaming about where he and his wife would travel during retirement, the next he was wondering how he would provide for his spouse. And the disease spread rapidly throughout his body. Carpeted from head to toe with a horrific mass of boils, the man was in abject misery and despair. Pus would run from the open sores and some of the ulcers festered with maggots and worms. His skin became blackened and fell off in flakes. The itching was continuous and unbearable. Scratching only increased his misery. His hair was gone, his breath was putrid, and any type of food was nauseating to him. His clothes were resown to match the deformity of his body. Sleep fled from him, but when he could sleep nightmares haunted him. Most of his acquaintances gave up on him and most family members never bothered to visit him. The hospital visitors he did have pelted him with platitudes – he wanted them to just sit with him silently. Depression haunted him; in the morning he longed for the night and at night he longed for the day One of his friends implied, “You’re kids got what they deserved;” another said obliquely, “Bad things only happen to bad people.” He became bitter and broken. And yet a young man had the courage to say to him while he was in this pathetic circumstance, “I know things are tough, really tough! But God is doing great things which we cannot comprehend!” That young man was right. In a short while the man’s health was restored and his businesses again flourished. And in a few years he was once more surrounded by the joy and laughter of his children. The story of Job in the Bible is a remarkable story of faith and patience and hope in God. God is able to turn around the worst of circumstances. In the spring of 2003 I came close to dieing from an illness I had battled for 20 years. In the spring of 2004 my health was remarkably better and my wife and I were sitting in one of the world’s finest resorts – all expenses paid! At the lowest of lows Job dared not dream about the future, his circumstances were too dark and depressing. And yet God had a plan for him. If someone had said to me as I lay in the hospital bed, “See this picture of the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas? This is where you will be next year at this time!” I would have thought it impossible. No matter how dark it is or how depressed you are, God can turn things around for you! Don't ever give up! Don't even think about suicide -- your life has tremendous value and God has a plan for your life! Read the Gospel of John or Rick Warren's book "The Purpose Driven Life" (www.purposedrivenlife.com) to gain an understanding as to why you are here. "God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend." Job 37:5 Dan Vander Ark Copyright 2009 All Rights Reserved