What Do Cows Think About All Day? (The Meaning of Moo)

After doing the pulpit fill-in thing for a pastor friend who was gone on vacation, my wife and I were invited by a couple from the church to stop by their home on our way back to Duluth. They were very gracious and we had a wonderful visit (and some magnificent strawberry shortcake). They had a beautiful home and farm that was situated amongst the rolling hills

And they had a herd of cows.

Which got me to thinking when I drove to work the next day, “I wonder what cows think about all day? And why do cows go, ‘Moo?’”

The little I know about cows I learned from my wife who spent part of her summers as a child on her grandparent’s farm near Beltrami, Minnesota. A lot of what follows may be a little made up, but this is one thing that isn’t: She loved (and I quote) “to walk barefoot through the cow pies when they were all squishy and warm.” Now my wife is very beautiful and talented and we’ve been married for almost 40 years. Perhaps it was the summer strolls through the cow pies as a kid that helped shape her inner and outer beauty.

And who knows, maybe someday cucumber & cow-pie pedicures will become the rage in famous spas throughout Europe.

Or not.

The noun ‘cow’ comes from the old Middle English word “cow” which is the transliteration of the Latin term “cow” meaning “the source of hamburgers and milkshakes.” On the other hand, the verb “cow” means “to frighten with threats and violence; to intimidate and oppress.” Are you kidding me? Cows?

Cows basically fall into two categories:
The ones made out of beef: those are used for grilling
The ones made out of ice-cream: those are used for milk products.

(Perhaps there is a third category…the ones made out of soy: those are the ones that produce “Silk” which is imitation milk and used primarily by yuppies in Seattle.)

Millions of people have read Steven Hawkins best-selling book, “A Brief History of Time.” But very few people ever read his sequel, “A Brief History of Cows.” In it he theorized that at the core of a black hole…was a Black Angus.

There are simply an amazing amount of bovine breeds. The true stuff in the following list is from www.bovinebazaar.com:

The Angus breed came from the highlands of northern Scotland. Originally they wore kilts and played the bagpipes.

The Beefalo is a cross between a cow and a buffalo (or bison). Originally known as the Cowbuff breed, the name was changed when the American Car Buff Association filed suit because it infringed on their name.

The American Brahman is the first breed developed in the United States. They have achieved acceptance for their environmental adaptability, longevity, and mothering ability. Really? Have you ever seen one? They don’t look too motherly to me!

The American Brown Swiss was declared a dairy breed in the late 1800s. Prior to that they were slices of cheese.

Dexters are one of the smallest breeds of cattle and are believed to have originated in Ireland. They developed into a breed of shoes.

The Isle of Guernsey, a tiny island in the English Channel off the coast of France, is the birthplace of the Guernsey cow. About 960 A.D., besieged by buccaneers and sea rovers, the Island came to the attention of Robert Duke of Normandy. He sent a group of militant monks to educate the natives as to how to cultivate the soil and defend the land. The monks brought with them the best bloodlines of French cattle – thus was born the Guernsey cow. (Militant Monks??? Are you kidding me?).

The Hereford breed was established near Hereford, county of Herefordshire, England, nearly 300 years ago as a product of necessity. (McDonalds was branching out in Europe and needed hamburgers big-time).

The Holstein originated in the Netherlands close to 2,000 years ago. The Dutch created this black and white breed. Originally they wore wooden shoes.

Jersey cattle originated from the island of Jersey which was just some 14 miles away from the French coast. They later migrated to New Jersey (and New York) and became known for their really bad attitude (Are you looking at me?!?!). They also make lousy cab drivers.

The Limousin breed originated in the high, rocky Aquitaine region of France. They are an extremely long breed and don’t fit well in the average barn stall.

The Shetland Breed has an ancient lineage, thought to date back to the cattle that the Vikings brought to the Shetlands Islands in the period 700-1100 AD. (The fierce Vikings are responsible for such tiny cows? No wonder we haven’t won any Super Bowls.)

The Texas Longhorn Cattle Breed became the foundation of the University of Texas football team (and later the American cattle industry). Their horns are highly prized for hood ornaments on Volkswagen Beetles.

Many mysteries surround this fascinating animal:

Do they sleep standing up?

When they laugh does milk shoot out there nose?

Do cow magnets really increase gas mileage? That was a rumor back during the gas shortage of the 70’s. Cows swallowed these small sausage shaped magnets to attract any metal pieces they might have ingested while grazing (which proved fortunate for my wife). But if you took them out of the cow and taped them to both sides of your gas line it was supposed to increase your gas mileage. If I remember correctly, I tried it and it didn’t work.

And why do cows go moo? A couple of answers need to be weighed seriously:

“Because if they said ‘Shazam’ no one would take them seriously.”
(Jez on http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061101104328AAhjKAH)

“So they can be herd!”
SOTHC on http://www.funtrivia.com/askft/Question78852.html

“The reason why COWS GO MOO is because they have trouble getting their tongue around saying the letter N. If it weren't for this unfortunate speech impediment we'd understand that they were trying to say MOON…Cows, or COSMOCOWS as they prefer to be known, have been exploring the lunar surface for years. Their hooves are perfectly adapted to the dusty lunar surface…Everyone knows the MOON is made of CHEESE and that the cow JUMPED over the MOON but few are aware that today a herd of about 6,000 COSMOCOWS live on the GREEN crater, close to the Mendeleev crater on the FAR SIDE. They are quite independent and wander around looking for things to chew.” (www.cowsgomoo.co.uk/)

So just what is the meaning of moo? To us it may sound silly, but it’s as important to them as “What is the meaning of life?” is to us. After a recent exhaustive study at the University of Wisconsin, scientists came up with the world’s first bovine translator (The Bovilator). And after analyzing thousands and thousands of cows from hundreds of breeds across the US, they discovered that “Moo!” is simply the equivalent to our, “Yo Adrian!”

And what do cows think about all day? They probably aren’t thinking about where the stock market is at or how much oil is gushing into the gulf or the state of the economy or what’s gonna happen tomorrow. They are probably just chewing the Philippians 4:11-13 cud, “Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever pasture I am in. I know how to get along with very little hay, and I also know how to live in lush green pastures; in any and every state (whether North Dakota or Texas or California or Wisconsin), I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

At least those contented Kemps cows are thinking that. :>)