“Honey! What’s wrong? Why is your face so ashen?”
“It’s the nightmare scenario,” I mumbled.
“What?!?! Something horrible happened?!?!” Why are you so incoherent? Your words are all garbled!”
She knows I watch the news all of the time so she figured some world tragedy had just taken place.
“It’s the sum of all fears!” I muttered.
“What? What happened? Did California fall into the ocean???”I grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes.
“No, its worse than that! It’s just horrible!”
“DAN, WHAT HAPPENED?” she demanded.
“The Packers…” It was so painful to get the words out. I struggled to continue, “The Packers…(gulp)…are going to the Super Bowl!”
She stared at me for a moment, then rolled her eyes and walked away. I heard her mumbling something about men and football and “I’m going shopping.”
I breed pulple.
Hold it, I typed that wrong. I’m still a little distraught.
Let me try that again.
I…bleed…purple.
I am a Minnesota Viking fan – I’ve been a Viking fan since kindergarten. I was actually born in Reedsburg, Wisconsin and lived in Beloit but we only stayed a few months. Sometime during our stay in Beloit my dad had a vision in the middle of the night that forever changed our lives.
A ghostly apparition appeared at the end of my mom and dad’s bed at 1:03AM.
“VAN!” the apparition hollered through the bullhorn.
My dad awoke with a fright, “Wh…wh…whoo are you?”
“Are you Van of the Vander Ark Tribe?”
“Y-y-y-yessss I am,” my dad said with his eyes bugging out, “Who are y-y-y-you?”
“I am the Angel of Bud Grant!”
“Old Stone Face Himself? Wow, this is so cool!!!” My dad woke up my mom, “Hey honey, ITS BUD GRANT! RIGHT HERE IN OUR BEDROOM!!!”“Van, I am not Bud Grant per se; I am the angel of Bud Grant, I just look like him; now pay attention!”
“Yes Sir.”
“Van, you and your young wife Dorothy and your son Jan must arise immediately and take your Valiant Purple Warrior Son Dan to the land of Sky-Blue-Water!”
My dad looked puzzled, “Are you sure you have the right house? Danny has red hair?”
“Yes I have the right house!!!” the angel bellowed through the bull horn.
“Oh, ok, that’s it? Just take the kid to Minnesota? And we just go west on highway 10, right?”
“Yup, that’s right….just settle in the Village of Sauk Rapids for the time being.”
“Ok Bud-Angel….ummmm before you go can I ask you a couple of questions?"
“Yes but hurry, I must go.”
“First, why the purple tutu? In the future aren’t we always gonna see old Stone Face pacing the sidelines at Met Stadium with -20 degree temps dressed in just a shortsleeve shirt?”
“The tutu is just for this story, OK? And this NEVER gets out, got that?”
“Ok, got it….and I know nobody’s even thought about it yet, but will the Vikings ever win the Super Bowl?”
Bud-Angel turned a little sullen. He then gathered up his tutu, sat next to my father on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my dad’s shoulder.
“Van, I gotta level with you. This century doesn’t look to good for you and the Vikes.”
Even though the Vikings didn’t exist yet, my dad’s shoulders slumped.
My dad asked with a twinkle of hope in his eyes, “How about the 21st century???”
“Welllllll, all I’m gonna say is...the first decade is kinda down the tubes…..sorry.”
When our two little girls were born I was determined to bring them up right. So when I tucked them into bed at night I would read to them from Grimm’s Fairy Tales about a Wonderful Land called Minnesota with thousands of taxes….excuse me…I mean thousands of lakes. It’s a Beautiful Land where all of the potholes are filled with gold. It’s a land of valiant Viking Warriors called Purple People Eaters like Alan the Page and Carl the Eller that would protect them from all harm.
And the fairy tale went on…”But there is a Dark Land, a land west of the Lake called Michigan. And there is a Town called The Bay of Green where the sun never shines. It is a land made out of limburger cheese, a land where the evil Packerites live. It is the Foreboding Land of Lambeau and their evil king Lombardi the Vince.”
“Daddy?”“Yes honey, what is it?”
“Daddy, Timmy at preschool said that the Great Treasure at the end of the football rainbow is called the Lombardi Trophy. Why is it named after such an evil king, Daddy?”
“Well honey, let me just finish the story, ok? We’ll talk about that when you’re older.”
I continued, “And the evil Packerites have one big yellow eye in the middle of their foreheads and they have (I paused just a moment for theatrical effect)…….GREEN TEETH!!!” In the dark I shined the flashlight under my chin toward my face to project a scene of horror.
“Daddy?”
“Yes honey?”
“Mommy said green tea is good for you.”
“Not green tea, honey, GREEN TEETH. Now pay attention, ok? And just remember, if you and your three year old sister want to go out and play, both of you first have to write a 1,000 word essay on the benefits of the 3-4 defense versus the 4-3.”
I continued, “And they have……”
“Daddy, what is that really big game called – the one with the really cool commercials?”
“Well, honey, it’s a wonderful game called…THE SUPER BOWL!” Both of my daughter’s eyes filled with wonder as I explained to them about that great game called…THE SUPER BOWL!
“Wow daddy, and I bet those great Viking Warriors have won a bunch of those Lombardi trophies, huh daddy, right????”“Well, ummm…..lets just continue with the story about those evil Packerites, ok? You can ask questions later.”
“OK daddy…and I bet those evil Packerites haven’t won any of those Lumbar trophies, have they daddy?.............Right Daddy?”
“Daddy, why are you starting to turn purple? Is that how the Purple People Eaters looked?”
“Ok, that’s enough of that story tonight; lights out…time to go to sleep.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes, honey?”
“Daddy, can I have a glass of lime Kool-Aid in my yellow sippy cup?”
“NO!”
“But Daddy I’m thirsty!”
“GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I walked into the living room. “Kay, how many times do I have to tell you we only allow grape Kool-Aid in this house!”
But alas, the Fairy Tale Indoctrination Program failed. One of my daughters has become a Green Bay Packer fan.
I haven’t spoken to her since the third grade.
I emailed a Packer friend after Green Bay lost to Detroit on December 12th, “Hey, it looks all of us in the NFC North stink!”
But guess what? They became stink free whilst we withered away into total stinkdom.
Even though we had a remarkable season during 2009 with Brett Farve, to be honest with you, I was never quite in favor of having the Bertmeister come to the Vikings. Don't get me wrong -- I think he's a fantastic quarterback and exciting to watch. But I just figured we’d have a good quarterback (make that "Great" quarterback) for two years at most, but then we'd be back to square one.
Thanks for the memories Brett...I guess you've submitted your official retirement papers with the NFL.
(Hold everything! Maybe things ain't gonna be so bad in 2011 -- I just heard on ESPN that James Cameron has created an Avatar for Brett!)
My mom grew up during the Great Depression and was a welder on the Liberty ships in California during WWII and has a lot of wisdom and grit. She used to tell us kids when we were growing up that (when we go through trials) whatever doesn’t kill us would make us stronger. But my mom was never a Viking fan.
People that know me probably won’t believe this but I actually cheered for the Packers back in the 90’s when they played the Patriots in the Super Bowl. And when I pastored the church out at Hawthorne, Wisconsin, more often than not I wanted the Packers to win for the sake of the kids (I never told the grownups that) – I just hated seeing the pain on their faces when their team lost.
I tell ya the last couple of years have just been Susan Boyle/ Les Misérables: “I Dreamed A Dream”…..but Tracy Porter of the Aints intercepted it.This year in Vikingdom the season has culminated in the nightmare scenario. Our stadium collapsed on December 12th and the game had to be cancelled due to snow in Minnesota in December.
What?
Which resulted in playing a home game in Detroit.
What?
And then we played a Monday night game versus Chicago at the Gophers stadium.
Vikings and Gophers and Bears, oh my!!!
(Gophers…now that’s one team mascot name that sure strikes fear into the opposing teams. I know when I see a gopher out in the wild I make a run for it! That’s why I wear those little bells when I go hiking.)
Well, at least we aren’t Detroit…nobody ever finishes behind Detroit.
Hold it…I just looked at the standings…we are behind Detroit! How did that happen???
I gotta admit, the Packers have been on quite a run – winning their last five must-win games and it all started in late December versus the Giants:
Ok, so maybe they slaughtered the Giants, but they’re probably gonna lose to the Bears.
Ok, so maybe they beat the Bears, but they’re probably gonna lose to the Eagles.
Ok, so the Packers were kryptonite to SuperVick and they beat the Eagles, but for sure they’re gonna lose to top-ranked Atlanta and “Matty Ice.”
Ok, so maybe Matt Ryan frosted up, but they’re probably gonna lose to the Bears and their really durable quarterback Jay Cutler.
Ok, so maybe Cutler aint as durable as Favre and they beat the Bears, but they’re probably gonna lose to.....hold it! They’re in the _____ ____! (I can’t even write those words.)
I came to work Monday following the victory of the Packers over da Bears. My eyesight isn’t the greatest and at first I thought I was seeing a giant ad for General Mills Cereal & Cheerios (Remember? “Big G, little o…”). But it wasn’t. It was an 80 X 120 foot Packer banner at the end of the corridor next to Darth Nancy’s cubicle. Even though she’s just on the other side of the cubicle wall, I didn’t say good morning or anything to her. My cube was a bit of a mess so I decided take out some of my frustrations and turn my keyboard over and bang it on the desk to try to knock loose some of the fungus (or is it funguy?) and trees that were starting to grow on the QWERTY row. That’s when Darth Nancy spoke, “Now Dan, you don’t have to beat your head on your desk, its not that bad.” Oh yes it is, Darth!
Just a few moments later Darth Annie of the Lake Nebagamon Sith sent me an email. It had the picture of the 4+4+4 (Favre jerseys) = 12 (Rodgers jersey) with this comment, “Who would have thought we would be going to the Super Bowl? You really should have moved to this side of the border. It’s just better over here. Of course, some Minnesota people have come to their senses and thrown their lot in with the Packers. Are you ready for a conversion?”
My reply? “This is what I feared…the nightmare scenario.” I later emailed something like, “Got any more of these? You might as well just get them all out now, or is it gonna be drip drip drip over the next two weeks?”
It was drip, drip, drip…
The next day she sent me the email/picture of the Bears new quarterback….Brett Favre!Then an email about all those teams that have championship rings with diamonds…and a picture of onion rings with a caption, “Viking’s rings.” It was around noon time and I was hungry and they actually looked kind of good. I could almost smell those Vikings Rings.
Then she forwarded an email from some Green Bay organization asking if I wanted to help the Packers get as many people to the Big Game as possible.
I guess she sent 7,498 emails the past few days to try to cheer me up, but most didn’t make it through our company’s spam filter.
I have hated the Steelers ever since Super Bowl IX, but now I’m kinda liking those guys. With Troy P_________ (I have no clue how to spell his last name - and I sure like his hair – but then I like anybody’s hair) and Ben Ruthlessburger – who knows what might happen. My good friend Adnaw lives in Packer land but she’s a big Steeler fan (I spelled her name backwards to protect her identity). I left a message for her the other night, “Wanda….excuse me…Adnaw, I am praying for you that you will have strength to stand against those evil Packer hordes!” Well, I gotta go. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist – he’s the same guy that’s on that Geico commercial. You know, the former drill sergeant turned psychiatrist. And I kinda think the patient in that commercial probably wasn't a Packer fan because he says something like, “That’s why the colors yellow and green make me sad…” But he obviously wasn't a Viking fan, he's too wimpy for that. With everything we've gone through, you have to be super tough to be root for the Norsemen. I just read that on the first mission to Mars NASA will be recruiting Vikings fans...we know how to endure hardship. So here's to the toughest (and BEST!) fans in the NFL...Vi skal slå dag og vinne Super Bowl!!!
Oh, just a note to my boss. If by the slimmest of chances the Packers lose, I’ll be in Monday at my regular time of 5:30 to lend moral support to you and the others in the office. (Turns out my boss is a Packer fan. My mouth just dropped open when I learned that. I mentioned to my boss’s boss, “I thought Human Resources was going to filter out those applicants?”)
But if they win (I guess I should say “when they win”), I put in a PTO request…so I’ll be in on Tuesday………………………………..July 5th.
Finally, I have just one other thing to say to you Packer fans… (This section is for Packer fans only!).
(Scroll down)
Just a little more….
Just a little more…
Hey you Viking Fans! Scroll up NOW!..........(Packer fans keep going).
Just a little more…
Congratulations to the Packers on a wonderful season and good luck in the Super Bowl.
(But you DIDN’T hear that from me!)
Life is good……………:>)
Dan Vander Ark
Copyright 2011
All Rights Reserved
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