A few months ago my wife went to check the mail. As she rummaged through the bills she suddenly started laughing uncontrollably. I mean “milk-coming-out-your-nose” type of laughter. She hollered down the stairs to me, “Honey, you’re officially old!” At first I couldn’t understand what she was saying because she was laughing so hard. “You got a letter from “The Scooter Store!” Well that’s just swell…now I don’t have to call in sick anymore, I can just call in “old.”
On our way home from work each day we pass through some pretty busy intersections. At the corner of Michigan Street and 27th Avenue, a guy in an Audi cut right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it! What Audiacity! Kay fired a verbal barb out the windshield, “What a Ninny!” Then I fired my verbal laser beam, “Yeah, he’s a Ninny in an Audi!” We both laughed.
Often on our way to work we see the guy in the Duluth Police Parking Enforcement Vehicle. Its sort of a modified three-wheeler with an enclosure so the Enforcer won’t get cold or rained on. And it says “Interceptor” on the bumper (I am not making that up). I wonder if he’s ever been on any high speed chases? Maybe when a toddler is trying to escape on his Big Wheels.
A while back when I went to fill up our car with almost $4.00 per gallon gas, about a cup full spilled onto the ground when I put the nozzle in. I almost threw my sweatshirt on the ground to try to soak it up so I could squeeze it into the tank. When the travel center attendant gave me my credit card receipt, I thanked him for my copy of the loan. He didn’t laugh.
And when did they stop calling them gas stations and start calling them travel plazas?
When I was watching the Daytona 500 this past February I noticed the peculiar way those guys were drafting off from each other. The announcers marveled at the way the drivers could pair up at speeds of up to 200 mph – front bumper actually touching the rear bumper – and push/pull each other around the track. I thought to myself, “Hey that’s not so special – that looks like my daughter Amber driving down Highway 2!”
When we went to the Big Box Department store, as we were checking out they asked me to input my zip code. I keyed in 90210.
My grandson and I went to Best Buy a while back to look at really cool stuff (we could spend all day in there). When I got out of my truck I pointed out to him a pretty impressive looking Ford F150. His dad is a Ford guy, so I figured he was gonna be a Ford guy. So I asked him, “I suppose when you get old enough to drive you’re gonna be a Ford guy, huh?”
His reply? Noah, age 9, replied with a grin, “I’m gonna be a What-I-can-afFord” guy.
You know those really tall, skinny inflatable things that you see in front of car dealers and other businesses? They flap up and down like a rag doll attempting to find a backbone as they try to stay inflated. I wonder how much business they really bring in? Or how many kids have nightmares from those things and are permanently scarred for life. “No no no Daddy!!! I don’t want to go to that place with the tall creepy flappy monster!”
When our daughters stayed at my mom and dad’s place, we always had to take the two dolls (with faces made from dried apples) off the dresser and put them in the closet so that they could sleep at night. I guess the heads did look pretty creepy – blackened dried apples molded into the shape of faces. They looked like some Amazon shrunken heads.
I wonder what’s more damaging for kids….creepy dried apple face people or creepy tall flappy monsters?
Kay has a lot of her cosmetics in a very colorful plastic box that looks an awful lot like a tackle box. I am not sure why I typed that, I guess I just thought you should know. One of these days I’m gonna a put a Rapala in it. Or a Power Worm.
I want to drive around town sometime dressed in a gorilla suit with the window down. And when someone pulls up along side of me at the stop light, I’ll just look over and give them a “Yo, whazzup?” That would be funny.
I got a John Deere letter the other day from my tractor. Seems its leaving me for a bigger farm.
A few months ago I bought a magazine at Barnes and Noble. The lady at the checkout asked if I wanted a bag. I was only halfway paying attention to her question because I was trying to figure out if I had enough cash of if I should use my credit card or if I should ask my wife to pay for it. I was looking at my billfold and said to her, “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” When I looked up she was sort of grinning and giving me a “this isn’t that hard of question” look. When we got in the car, Kay said I should have asked her to repeat the question.
At my wife’s place of employment someone brought in several bouquets of lilacs to sit around the office area. They looked beautiful (she brought one home) and smelled wonderful. But they were aggravating someone’s allergies so they had to put all the lilacs in the men’s room (don’t ask me why the men’s room). A couple days later as we headed to work I commented to my wife on how great her perfume smelled.
“It’s lilacs!” she replied.
I asked with great concern in my voice, “They’re not going to make you sit in the men’s room all day are they?”
Dan Vander Ark
Copyright 2011
All Rights Reserved
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