My Haircuts Don't Take As Long As They Used To

I just had a haircut. It didn’t take but 10 minutes and the hairstylist was very thorough. When she handed me the mirror I was going to ask her to make sure she trim the top because I didn’t feel the clippers or scissors go up there. I looked in the mirror and began to realize how much I was in denial. It didn’t matter if the clippers went up to the top anymore – there wasn’t enough left. For me Great Clips is down to Great Clip and Cost Cutters is down to just about free. I sense now that they are just looking for things to cut – ears, eyebrows, can I trim your arm hair? My problem is that I am folliclely challenged. I was born a redhead, so that means I started life with far less hair then blondes and brunettes and Martians. Some people have foreheads, I have a fivehead. I started getting taller than my hair after about age 30. That’s when it also started turning white (I blame that squarely on the Vikings not winning any Super Bowls) and my weight began to climb exponentially almost overnight. I could battle the weight thing but how do you battle the hair thing? Hair transplants? Nope. I have a picture in my mind of the little playdoh barber chair where you turned the crank and the strands of blue playdoh hair oozed up through playdoh man. I could try a comb-over but those always look so goofy. Doing a comb-over is like putting a bright neon blinking light on your head that says, “Look he’s bald, look he’s bald.” Although I have thought about doing a small braid on one side and then combing that over. And dying it red. That would be cool. I did have a pony tail in my hippie wannabe days when I was a teenager. And I had a pierced ear back when pierced ears were not in. But only for a day – I was too chicken to wear it any longer. But I did it myself by holding a potato behind the ear lobe and jabbing a pin through. Those were the days when men with pierced ears were real men. Yeah, right. I’ve thought about just shaving my head but I sometimes cut my nose shaving my face, so I am not going to work with 11 little spot Band-Aids all over my skull (how do you cut your nose shaving? Stop over some morning about 7:00 and I will show you). As a gag gift my former boss received a can of that spray on hair. I tried it on my arm. Gross. It’s like spraying on that black tar-like undercoating-in-a-can that you get for your car. At the home improvement store you can get that lawn-repair-in-a-box that guarantees you can grow grass on a concrete block. You can insert your own cartoon bubble right about here. And at work for a Christmas gift one time I got a little nylon sock head that you put in a little bowl and watered it and it grew grass hair. It kind of even looked like me. Eventually three of us had a little ceremony by the culvert and we buried it. And a coworker of mine (who shall remain nameless but she sits right next to Debbie and her first name rhymes with sandy) once gave me a gift – a hair brush – but it didn’t have any bristles on it. I almost called down II Ki 2:23-24 on her: “Then he (Elisha or Dan) went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads (or a certain coworker from Purchasing) came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, "Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!" When he looked behind him and saw them (or her, the person whose name rhymes with sandy), he cursed them (or her) in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two of their number (or one purchasing buyer). I will never even consider a toupee. As a pastor you have to be honest and upfront with people, and I heard a guy once say, “How can I trust a man with my wife who lies about his hair.” So icksnay on the oupetay. Although one time I did preach a sermon with a rainbow clown wig on. I’ve thought of the Yule Brynner look (you know – the Pharaoh look in the movie “The Ten Commandments”). One long pony tail out the side of my head. That would be so cool. And I would dye it purple in honor of the Vikings never winning the Super Bowl. I’ve thought about a reverse Mohawk – bushy on the sides and shaved down the center. One time the hair stylist person asked if I wanted gel. Why yes I do! Make the sides stick straight out so I have that “Bozo The Clown” look. A few years back I stopped using a blow dryer. Turned it on one morning and it just dawned on me – this ain’t necessary anymore. A tear came to my eye. I got a little nostalgic as I wrapped the cord around it and placed it ever so gently back in the drawer. Once one of my daughters was having an off morning. “What’s the matter,” I said. “I am having a bad hair day,” she retorted. As a dad it’s my duty to always help her start her day with the proper perspective, so I encouraged her by saying, “Its better than having a no hair day.” And I’ve always kind of wanted to be like the apostle Paul. Tradition says he was bowlegged. That’s me. Bald. That’s almost me. And he had a unibrow. NO WAY IS THAT HAPPENING. I will rip out my eyebrows with an Epilady before that happens. And by the way, whatever happened to that piece of torture equipment? I bought my wife one of those many years ago. And we’re still married! I think I read on the internet that the CIA is using it now to get the truth out of people. A lady once told me that bald people are more distinguished looking. I’ve never had a bald lady say that to me. And besides, someone with a ton of hair telling someone with less than a milligram of hair is like Bill Gates extolling the virtues of poverty. When I was in Bible College, for the year book the seniors had to come up with a life verse. You know, like “I can do all things through Christ,” or “With God all things are possible.” Thoughts that motivate you. I thought and thought and thought and finally came up with one. My life’s verse that actually appeared in the year book? Levitiucs 13:40, “He is bald, he is clean.” I guess I’m just getting cleaner everyday. Copyright 2008 All rights reserved