The Day I had to Wear the Packer Earrings

(Just a note of introduction...I work in the purchasing office of a large medical facility and there are about 20 of us in cubicleville and this is just a snapshot of what took place in Purchasing Land this past football season (2007). I live in Duluth, MN and my coworker lives in Superior, WI -- two sister cities that sit next to each other at the tip of Lake Superior. But they are divided by a friendly (if not fierce) football rivalry between the MN Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.) Dan :>) "A joyful heart does good like medicine" Proverbs 17:22) **************************** I had had enough. My coworker came over to my cube to show me her Packer Shirt and Packer Bracelet and Packer Earrings. It was Friday – two days before the “Showdown” part two. The 7-1 Green Bay Packers versus the 3-5 Minnesota Vikings. She lives in Superior, I live in Duluth. She has green blood, I have purple blood. She is from the Darth Vader side, I am from the Luke Skywalker side. Her team has had one quarterback since the last Millennium, my team has had 67. Her team has won 3 Super Bowls, my team has...well just skip that part. She has a Packer football hanging in her cube. I have a stuffed 12” tall Viking guy and a pair of hand knitted Viking socks (who knows why). Oh, and a foam rubber Viking Brick sits on the top of my monitor. And she was feeling pretty good about her team, and I was feeling, well, like, ummmmm, well, forget it. When she was done parading her Packer stuff in front of my face, I disengaged my brain and quickly composed an email and sent it out to the entire office: Go Vikings! Down with the Packers! And if the Packers win I will wear Nancy’s earrings for like say an hour from like 6:30-7:30. And if the Vikings win she has to carry around my Viking doll for the whole day: well it’s not really a Viking doll because I don’t play with dolls, its more like a Viking Action Figure; but come to think of it it’s not really an action figure – it’s more like a “3-downs-and-punt” non-action figure. She fired an email back and copied everyone: “If I have to carry around the Viking non-action figure ALL day you have to wear the earrings ALL day. Bet is on! P.S. Dan... What is that stuff falling from the dolls nose anyway?” I fired back and copied everyone (my brain still being disengaged): “Ok – deal – And that’s not stuff falling from out of his nose – his moustache is just in the wrong place – I think. Now stop the truck for just a moment. Did you ever have one those moments when you wanted just to hop into your HG Wells Time Machine and reverse time for like say the last five minutes and UNDO SOMETHING REALLY STUPID THAT YOU’VE JUST DONE? I just stared at my computer monitor for the next several hours. “What have I done?” I began to bang my head the desk. The office grew pretty silent – not a single person responded to this exchange. I was hoping they were thinking, “Wow, Dan is really brave!” But they weren’t. They were thinking, “Wow, Dan’s really not that smart, is he?!” A couple of the female type coworkers, purposely talking loud enough to make sure I heard, began to wonder out loud, “Gee, I wonder if Dan will make sure his clothes coordinate with the earrings?” Now, exactly what does that mean, “Coordinate what you wear?” I have a hard enough time making sure my socks match so I do the Garanimals thing. And the only thing I really care about “coordinating” is to make sure the color of the duct tape patched console in my rusty old truck doesn’t clash with the color of the seat covers. When I got home Friday I asked my wife if she knew where my rivet gun was. “Why?” she asked. “I have to pierce my ears,” was my response. “Ok, what did you do at work today?” she asked. Come to think of it, she asks that question quite often. And sometimes it’s followed by, “You’re not gonna get fired are you?” I informed her, “I challenged a Cheesehead to a duel! Sort of. And I am just preparing for the inevitable.” “The game hasn’t even been played yet!” was her response. She hasn’t watched the Mighty Purple and Gold much lately. I hadn’t had a pierced ear since my wannabe hippie days when I did it with a potato and a needle. And I made sure the potato was sterilized. Its not that I don’t like the Packers. It’s that, well, I DON’T LIKE THE PACKERS. And with my coworker, the feeling is mutual. She would rather have a cavity filled without Novocain than cheer for the Vikings. And don’t tell anyone, especially my Viking fan friends, but I actually like Brett Favre. I’ll just be really really really glad when he retires. Sometimes I wake up at night in a cold sweat from having the same bad dream. In my recurring nightmare it’s the year 2017, it’s a Sunday night game between the Packers and Vikings, and Brett Favre is still playing! The voice of Al Michaels: Well John, can you believe it? This will be Brett Favre’s 6,785 consecutive start. And he has thrown more touchdown passes than Dan Marino, John Elway, Payton Manning and Tom Brady combined! The voice of John Madden: Yeah, it’s amazing, and he just signed a contract to play ten more years! Well, my team lost. The Vikings actually looked pretty good for awhile…but then the game started. It was painful to watch. 34-0 painful. I thought about calling my coworker and telling her I wouldn’t be in because my home was leveled by a meteor, but she would demand pictures and I didn’t have time to photoshop anything. Monday was the longest day of my life. I kept my word – I wore the earrings – they were taped to my ears. I now know what Superman feels like around Kryptonite. Note to self: Next year, ICKSNAY ON THE EWELRYJAY! Just tell her that if her team wins you’ll buy her a really fancy lunch…like at McDonald’s…off the dollar menu…at the drive-through…in the truck with the duct-tape color coordinated interior. Copyright 2008 All rights reserved