When Fast Food is Not Fast Enough

I usually stop at one of those fast food places on my weigh, excuse me, I mean on my way to work. And I always get the same thing – one sausageeggbiscuit with lots of stuff that’s one molecule away from eating plastic. The voice comes out of the little speaker: “Thank you for stopping at the Breakfast-Biscuit-Barn, how may I help you?” I ask for the usual. And the answer is always the same: “That will be $2.13 at the first window. Please pull ahead.” I usually say “Thanks” and follow orders (trying to beat the person in the other lane – more on that in a moment). One time I thought I would throw a little wrinkle into the morning fast food breakfast routine. When the person in the speaker said, “That will be $2.13 at the first window,” I asked, “How much at the second window?” The Speaker of the Breakfast said a little louder and a little firmer, “THAT WILL BE $2.13 AT THE FIRST WINDOW.” One time at Hardees I asked if they took McDonald’s coupons – they didn’t think it was funny. At the Breakfast-Biscuit-Barn (the BBB) I never go inside – I always use the drive-through, and the drive-through has two lanes. Most of the time, if you are there first, then you get to pull ahead first, get to pay first, and get your food first. And people are polite – if it’s a tie and you both give your order at the exact same moment and you both slam the gas pedal to the floor at the same instant, one driver generally waits for the other. It’s that Minnesota Nice thing. But there have been a couple of times when I have pulled into one of the lanes and there is no one else in the other lane and I wait and wait for the little speaker person to say something. A couple of times I have backed up and come in again to see if I can fool the Speaker of the Breakfast, and that has worked. But sometimes, while you are waiting very patiently, SOMEONE ELSE PULLS IN WAY AFTER YOU DID AND THE SPEAKER PERSON TALKS TO THEM FIRST! That’s where Minnesota Nice ends. “Oh yooooohoooo,” I call out in a stern but friendly voice, “I WAS HERE FIRST!” The other person pulls ahead to pay their money and get their food and I only have 78 seconds left to get to work. I have thought about calling 911 when this has happened. “This is 911, please state your emergency!” “Someone at the Breakfast-Biscuit-Barn drive-through who came in after me got to go first! Can you send a SWAT team?” Click But then the next day, the very day after you had your morning ruined, you pull in after some little old lady who can barely see over the dashboard, go into the open lane, and BINGO! The Speaker of the Breakfast talks to you first! You slam down the gas pedal, beat her to the window and YOU ARE THERE FIRST! You’re gonna have a really good day! I am so pathetic. One time I lost a bet with a Packer fan and had to wear Packer earrings taped to my ears all day. When I went through the drive-through, the Giver-of-the-Coffee just stared. I thought that was funny. And I have tried to time it so that I don’t even have to stop after they take my order and money. One time when the coast was clear I have actually rolled through without having to stop! I did ask the Hander-Over-of the-Food person one time just to throw it in. However, that doesn’t work with coffee. I have thought very seriously about how they could speed things up and I think I have it figured out. You could buy a phone (or it would free if you committed to 365 sausageeggbiscuits in the next year – however if you opt out before the contract is up, there would be an additional charge of $2,000.00). It would be shaped like a cheeseburger and have a French Fry for an antenna and you would flip the bun-cover to open it. The phone would have a GPS chip and one of the menu options would be a menu. Touch the screen for what you want and on the giant plasma satellite tracking screen at the Breakfast-Biscuit-Barn they would get your order and follow your vehicle. Once you pull out of the garage it would trigger a siren and light. The crew chief would holler out, “Vander Ark has left the garage! Get a sausageeggbiscuit ready! Load the PVC Breakfast Biscuit Shooter. (You know how you can build a potato gun out of PVC pipe? That’s what I think they should use. Just fire the sausageeggbiscuit into the pickup through the open window. And for the napkins – maybe they would have to wrap them around a little piece of lead or something. We put a man on the moon – they should be able to fire napkins 6 feet through an open vehicle window.) They would follow a little GPS blip across a map of West Duluth. Beep……...….beep……….beep…... beep…...beep…beep..beepbeepbeepbeep! He’s pulling across Grand Avenue…PREPARE TO FIRE! And besides the regular drive-through, there would be the Race-Through – a superfast express lane for not just fast food, but for Really-Fast food. Your vehicle would have a huge barcode on the side to debit your BBB account automatically – you would get scanned, the worker would prepare the biscuit gun and kawam! Blap! You have made it through in a mere 9 seconds! Of course your breakfastbiscuit is splattered against the passenger window. But hey! It’s still edible and you aren’t gonna be late for work. Just make sure to duck when they fire the napkins. Copyright 2008 All rights reserved