Gutter Blaster

I made a trip to my local home improvement store the other day to try to improve my home. While I was there buying cool stuff I will never use, I saw something on sale that I thought might actually come in handy. And it was only $3.00. It was a “Gutter Blaster.” Now I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of finicky the way my yard looks. If even a single blade of grass so much as looks like its going to get out of place I am there to trim it. Sometimes me-thinks the neighbors just roll there eyes over my finickiness. And I especially don’t want stuff growing in my gutters! Anyway some of the gutters are really high off the ground so it’s hard to get at them. So when I saw the gutter blaster I thought to myself, “Someone else on the planet must be sick of trying to get to really high gutters to clean out all the junk in them.” When I got home I hurriedly opened the box to get a first hand look at the “Blaster.” My heart sank a little as it was in about 3 pieces – I had to put it together. I stuck the aluminum part A with the down spout blaster nozzle into part C, only to realize I had forgotten part B so I stuck that on (who needs directions), and then hurriedly hooked it to the hose. (Oh, by the way, at another local home improvement store I was looking at hoses and wanted a really nice one and saw a couple that said, “Professional Garden Hose.” I came really close to asking the clerk if they had any “Amateur Garden Hoses”.) With the blaster in hand I headed to the first gutter – the low lying ones on the garage to test it out. I flipped the little lever thingy to turn the water on full throttle and, ummmm, (I am searching for words right here.) Well I guess all I can say is, “WOW!!!” Doouble WWOOWW!! My arm almost wound up in my neighbors yard!!! That thing had enough pressure to pulverize granite! If you aren’t careful it will almost peal the gutters OFF FROM THE HOUSE! Against all of my manly instincts, I raced back to the house and read the directions. And they said this under the section called “Safety and Maintenance”: DON’T TURN THE WATER LINE ON TO FULL PRESSURE THE FIRST TIME YOU USE YOUR GUTTER BLASTER!” I am totally serious; I am not making that up. And it also said this (again under safety and maintenance): Do not point the nozzle toward any living creature!” I can see why. I wonder if the Army knows about this thing. So I went back to my gutter blasting (making sure to use both arms while leaning into the gutter to offset the blast pressure) and got those gutters so clean you could almost eat off from them. But here’s the real kicker. At the bottom of the directions (again I am not making this up) it says this: “Your gutter junk blaster and HANGING PLANTS WATER SPRINKLER!” Hanging plants water sprinkler? I can just see it now. You take your gutter blaster out to your wife’s hanging plants on the deck and turn it on. With dirt and debris flying everywhere and green stuff whizzing by at the speed of sound like its being shot out of salad shooter, your wife asks (in the cool, calm and collected voice of a basic training drill sergeant), “WHAT ARE YOU DOING VANDER-ARK??? WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING MY PLANTS!!!!”???? And your answer? “Oh hi honey, I’m just following the directions…” Dan Vander Ark Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved