Things I Think Are Funny

Back in the last millennium a former coworker and I got into an argument about whether hot water or cold water made ice cubes faster. She had heard (and so did I but I didn’t tell her that) that hot water in ice cube trays turns into ice faster than cold water in ice cube trays. I think the article was in Reader’s Digest, so it had to be true. We made a bet. Out in the warehouse was a refrigerator with a small freezer on top. I filled my tray with cold water, Jane filled hers with steaming hot water and we put them in the freezer. I think we decided to give it 3 hours and then check on the trays. She worked in the office and I worked in the warehouse. After about 2 hours and 50 minutes I took her tray out, snuck it into the bathroom and filled it up with really hot water and put it back in the freezer. At the 3 hour mark we went together and checked the trays. I think mine actually started to ice over, but the water in hers was still hot! And steam was rolling off her tray. She sort of shrugged her shoulders and said something like, “Well I guess it doesn’t work.” Her faith in Reader’s Digest was shattered. I didn’t tell her what I had done and just said with a straight face, “Yep.” She went back into the office, but only moments later she yelled, “DAN!” Someone told her what I had done. I thought that was funny. I think it would be funny to mow the lawn in the winter – maybe right after the first snowfall of about 6” of fluffy snow. Our house is on a busy residential street with a yard only 29 feet wide. Just crank up the mower and watch the snow fly! And then rake it when you’re done…that would be funny. Once we did see a guy after a snowstorm clearing the sidewalk with his snowblower while just wearing shorts. That was funny. Only in Duluth. When we were fishing on the Bloodvein River in Canada my brothers and I thought it would be funny to put on bear suits and sit on the river bank in lawn chairs with fishing poles and wave at any boats that went by. We would have to be prepared to run like crazy though in case anybody wanted to shoot at us. And I think it would be funny to drive around town in a gorilla suit and wave at people. That would be funny. My friend at work thought it would be funny to replace my hand lotion with Elmer’s Glue. I couldn’t figure out why my hands were so sticky when I went to use the hand lotion. Another coworker happened to walk by just as this was happening. She said the look on my face was priceless. She was the same coworker that usually parked crooked in the parking lot at work. So me and the Elmer’s Glue Coworker (henceforth known as “GlueMan”) went down to the print shop, asked them to cut some long strips of yellow paper for portable parking lines. We went out into the parking lot and just rolled out the parking lines right where she was crookedly parked. We gave them to her so she could just park whichever way she wanted wherever she wanted – all she had to do was just park and roll out the lines. We thought that was funny. Although I hesitated telling this as I have noticed how crooked I park. My wife and I went to a rummage sale the other day. There was an old wooden kitchen chair that was priced at 25 cents. I asked if they would take 24 cents. I thought that was funny, and so did the rummage owner. I bought the chair for the full quarter. I saw a young woman at the mall going up the up escalator (dah) while talking on her cell phone. We were going down the down escalator. I thought it would be funny if I had her cell number, called her and said, “Hey, I see you’re moving up in the world!” I think it would be funny to have one of those big old Army walkie-talkies from WWII (you’ve seen them – they’re about as big as a horses leg), go walking down the sidewalk in our busy residential area, and talk on it just like a normal cell phone. That would be funny. Or hang an old rotary desk phone from your waist and use the handset just like the cell phone. That might be funny too. Oh…and you know when your plane lands at the airport and then comes the moment when you can use your cell phone again? With 99% of the people calling home, calling their friends, calling the people waiting for them in the airport, or calling Mars, I think it would be funny to call someone, anyone, and say, “Oh hi kids how’s it going?......(and then really loud) WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ELEPHANT GOT OUT AGAIN??? GO GET HIM AND PUT HIM BACK IN THE BASEMENT RIGHT NOW!” Then hang up, shake your head, and just mumble “Teenagers!” to the person next to you. Somewhere in the 1960’s my dad thought it would be funny to, as a publicity stunt for radio station WJON, announce that an elderly lady would be learning how to water ski at Lake George (a really really REALLY small lake in the middle of St. Cloud, I think less than 700 ft by 700 ft). An excellent water skier, my dad dressed up as the elderly lady and “pretended” to learn how to water ski! We thought that was funny. Back in about 1993, Gary (the maintenance guy) wanted to play a joke on Randy (the warehouse truck driver guy). We meticulously planned it out so that when Randy came to pick up supplies to go back from the clinic to the warehouse, that Gary would hide inside a rather large box on a flatbed cart. And with Randy rolling the cart out of the storage room and toward the dock, when Gary felt the cart hit the little bump where the tile ended and the carpeting began, that was his clue to leap out of the box and scare Randy. A whole bunch of people knew what we were planning and just “happened” to be sort of standing around when Randy showed up. After chatting for a few moments Randy took “THE CART”, and began to push it out the door. Inside-the-box-Gary could not have timed it better. He leaped up and scared Randy half to death – maybe even ¾’s to death. Randy flew backwards a good 10 feet, landed on a pile of laundry or supplies and grabbed his chest! When we realized he was NOT having a heart attack we laughed and laughed. We all thought that was funny. About five years ago my former boss and GlueMan conspired against me. Just as I was beginning to teach a class on how to use the materials management software system, they did something that caused me to have what I believe to be an out of body experience. Just minutes before the class began, the boss and GlueMan phoned me to let me know that my job was getting advertised in the paper (they emailed me the ad) and that I would have to reapply for it! With my body in front of the class mumbling stuff about how to order syringes correctly, the lighter-than-helium-inner-part of me floated above the classroom trying to figure out how they could possibly do this to me! (While I was up there I also noticed how bald I was getting.) I was furious! After the class I floated back down and rejoined my 48 year old body. I immediately phoned GlueMan and told him to tell the boss we were going to have a meeting ASAP. He then informed me it was just a joke. My helium self was still sort of disconnected from my balding self and I just hung up the phone. Now however, we all really laugh about that. That was funny. Just the other day I received a call from a nurse in one of the units at the hospital – she needed to order a special commode for a patient. After she gave me the basic information, I needed to verify the manufacturer’s number that she had given me so that I had all of my ducks in a row when I called the vendor (over the phone the person may be saying “that’s part number BMGT,” and you may be writing down “DNPE” so you have to read the part number back to them to verify). Nurse Diane gave me the part number of TFI-3225. It was a busy morning and a bunch of stuff was on my mind, so when I repeated it back to her I was looking at the first letter but my brain (which is usually attached to my eyes by way of the optic nerve) was already on the second letter. So I said, “So that’s “T” as in “Frank”….???” There was sort of a pause, and then I realized what I had just asked. It took everything for me to not laugh out loud and continue my professional, although disconnected with the alphabet, reality. I just kept on going like I hadn’t said anything stupid and verified the rest of the information. That was funny. A while back someone in the building where I work discovered that her cheese cake had been stolen out of the fridge. She fired off an email to the entire building (more than a hundred people) about the impropriety of permanently borrowing other people’s food. You could tell she was angry because everything was in capital letters and the grammar and punctuation were all mangled. My email reply went something like this, “If you ever want to see your cheesecake again, please leave a dollar in an unmarked bag out by the picnic table…” I thought that was funny. And no, I didn’t take the cheesecake. And finally, this. I overheard a coworker make this statement the other day, ““My family isn’t known for good looking toes.” I thought that statement was hilarious (okay, maybe you had to be there). So three of us began telling, “My toe story is more horrible than your toe story!” stories. When I got back to my cube I emailed the coworker whose family is not known for good looking toes and said, “Our conversation almost sounded like that scene in Jaws where the cranky fisherman guy Quint and Richard Dreyfuss Hooper start comparing scars.” I told her that sometime I may write an article titled, “My Family isn’t Known for Good Looking Toes and other Funny Things at Work.” I guess this is it. Dan Vander Ark Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved